1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:
2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:
3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”
4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?
5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.
6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”
7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.
8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.
9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.
10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:
11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.
12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”
13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands.
14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.
15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg:
16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.
17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.
18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.
19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”
20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.