1. President Obama says his dream now is to take a stroll, by himself, away from the White House. “Finally, something we agree on,” said Republicans.
2. Actor Jonah Hill is apologizing for saying “suck my dick, you faggot,” to a paparazzo over the weekend. But, in Hill’s defense, he was just getting into character for his upcoming role in the Alec Baldwin biopic.
3. Actor Jonah Hill is apologizing for saying “suck my dick, you faggot,” to a paparazzo over the weekend. “Make sure to cup the balls, he likes that,” said Seth Rogen.
4. According to a new study, young women whose high school friends have had babies are more likely to follow suit. It’s a phenomenon that scientists are calling interesting and the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom” are calling necessary.
5. A porn star announced she is running against Toronto mayor Rob Ford in the upcoming election. Citizens say it would be comforting to know that if their mayor got videotaped smoking crack it wouldn’t be the worst thing she’s ever done on tape.
6. President Obama established a group on Monday to handle the growing influx of children coming to the U.S. illegally without parents or relatives accompanying them. Specifically, Obama told Dora to stop being such a fucking explorer.
7. According to “the Star Ledger,” over the weekend, the New York Mets destroyed the record at Citizens Bank Ballpark in Philadelphia for most cheesesteaks eaten in a single day by a visiting ballclub. Said one Mets official, “Get the trophy case out of storage.”
8. A new study suggests, something about being circumcised may offer men a degree of protection from developing prostate cancer later in life. Leaving 40-year-old, uncircumcised men with a very difficult decision.
9. Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino on Tuesday said he will withdraw from a lawsuit that accuses the NFL of hiding the effects of concussions because he was inadvertently listed as a plaintiff in the case. Said Marino, “I don’t know how an average Joe like me was added to this suit. I’m pretty sure I’d remember playing football in the NFL.”
10. On Tuesday, NASA said they have figured out a way to put wireless internet access on the moon. Apparently they got their hands on Mercury’s password.
