1. Over the weekend the U.S. men’s hockey team prevailed over host nation Russia in a dramatic overtime shootout. Then, after the game, Russian President Vladimir Putin visited the Russian locker room and conducted a “shootout” of his own.
2. Former Congressman Mel Reynolds has been arrested in Zimbabwe after state media reported the convicted sex offender had been found with pornography in a local hotel. Said Reynolds, “Where can I do this?”
3. According to a new study, when picking a new doctor, most people factor reviews left on ratings websites into their decisions. “People are reading things online about their doctors? That’s not good for me,” said Conrad Murray.
4. On Wednesday, a fisherman from El Salvador who says he spent 13 months adrift in the Pacific Ocean, surviving on turtle blood and fish he caught with his bare hands, vowed he would not venture back out to sea. “But we apologized already and gave you a voucher,” said Carnival Cruise Lines.
5. President Obama said on Friday he is considering new ways to pressure the government of Syria and President Bashar al-Assad. First step, say hello to the new Syrian ambassador Dennis Rodman.
6. Eleanor Roosevelt was named the greatest first lady of the United States in a survey of historians released on Saturday. Eleanor edged out the second most popular response, “Who gives a shit.”
7. Last week a bill was introduced in Romania’s Parliament that, if successful, would grant dolphins the same rights as humans due to their developed intelligence. “You know that I’m against all dolphins being treated equally,” said Richie Incognito.
8. A South Carolina woman was sentenced to spend a night in jail for failing to return a VHS copy of “Monster-in-Law” she rented in 2005. The judge settled on one night in jail after determining that the woman who watched “Monster-in-Law” had already suffered enough.
9. Four days after Valentine’s Day, 1-800-Flowers is still apologizing via Twitter and Facebook to the nearly 400 customers whose flowers never showed up. Said one dissatisfied customer, “I swear I didn’t forget, sweetie. I ordered flowers ahead of time. See? Look at this tweet …oh, don’t call me an asshole.”
10. According to a new study, the negative physical and mental effects tied to bullying among children and teens may accumulate throughout the years, So keep it up bullies, it’s working.
